Have you ever looked in the mirror and started to wonder if the real you was the one in the mirror and you were actually the mirror image?

Or what about this-have you ever woken up from a dream and realized that you were actually still dreaming, and then kind of lost track for a while of what was reality and what was the dream?

No, I’m not high. I know that’s what you’re thinking already, but the fact is, I don’t do drugs. I just think too much.

Okay, here’s my point. Whether you’ve read the works of Plato or you’ve just warbled a couple of rounds of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” in the backseat of a car, you’ve still come across this theory: Life is but a dream. Rings a bell, yes?

Well, I have to say, I think that pretty succinctly describes my life at this point. After everything? I’ve been through and discovered in the last forty-eight hours or so, I’m honestly not sure I can tell the difference between reality and dreams. Nor am I sure I want to. Yes, sir, I am so deep through the looking glass at this point, I may just have to change my name to Alice.

Example: My uncle has informed me that I wasn’t born fearless. He says my fear genes are totally intact and that the fact I’ve only been fearless because of some kind of serum that my father and the Agency injected into my bloodstream when I was a baby.

Follow me on this one.

So my uncle gives me this new injection. This serum that’s supposed to counter what my father did to me and make me feel fear again. (“Drink me.” “Eat me.” Are you with me on this?) And once I took the serum, let’s just say, for the sake of brevity, that I went nuts. Real nuts.

Yeah…there were delusions, paranoid freak-outs, the works. But after a few revelations, the most important of which was that Loki has created at least two Josh clones (yes, clones-welcome to my dream world), I think I’ve finally recovered from my very unfortunate experiment with fear.

But here’s the thing. I honestly don't know if my uncle was lying or not. So which thing is real? Am I fearless, and I was just temporarily dreaming I could feel fear? Or am I actually capable of fear, and I’ve just been living a seventeen-year dream that I was fearless? I honestly do not have a clue.

Here’s a much more immediate example: Around four-thirty this morning, I realized something that I think I already knew. I am in love with Ed Fargo. Not a temporary crush. Not any kind of teenage puppy love or romantic experimentation. Just love. Pure and simple.

But after the last forty-eight hours of madness, I can’t help wondering….

What is the reality and what I the dream? Have I, unbeknownst to myself, been in love with Ed for the last year and only dreaming we were nothing more than friends? Or are we still only friends in reality, and this glorious perfect morning is only a dream?: see, I’ve fallen asleep and awoken so many times in the last forty-eight hours, I’m honestly not sure anymore. I’ve coasted in and out of sanity so many times, I’m not altogether sure I’m not insane at this very moment.

But if I am insane, or if lying next to Ed is only a dream, then I’m begging you, whoever makes these kinds of decisions up there, please, please don't let me wake up. Please just let me sleep. Because this dream is so superior to any reality I’ve had in months. And as long as everything around us stays quiet, I think perhaps it might last.